Hey, it's THAT GUY! You know, the guy from the thing with "That Chick." We all know "That Guy."  Usually hired because the A-list actor was beyond the budget or unavailable, "That Guy" usually gets the job done. But there are times when "That Guy" represents something far more insidious. Whether you own a franchise you want to continue milking, persist in disappointing fans with loathsome re-makes/reboots/re-imaginings, or continue lowering your audience's expectations for the quality of your product: "That Guy" is your go-to guy. 

Here are some truly epic "That Guy" fails: 

Is it illegal to ride a bike in New Jersey? According to the Camden County police it is. In this hellish heat and  trying economic times, a marine, who rides his bike from the PATCO station to his job in Gloucester (100 miles a week plus train fare) just to earn a barebones weekly check, has become the preferred target for  harassment from police throughout Camden county. 

Over the past two months, police have stopped this veteran for, variously, riding on the sidewalk, not riding on the sidewalk, embankments, in traffic and for any other reason their bored little minds could devise. Each time this hard-working vet has been stopped on his ride to work, he's not only lost hours, he's lost dignity as he's been searched without cause each time. And each time his ID has been run, never have they found a reason to arrest him. Until this week.

After finally getting his PA drivers license -- which requires a cross-check with New Jersey for outstanding traffic violations -- suddenly a 12 year old traffic ticket came up during their weekly harassment of this marine who has been diligently riding his bike in the sweltering heat just to earn a living. However, it turned out that the ticket had already been paid. What they had found was a record of a traffic violation that had not been expunged. They held the man all morning at the Gloucester City Police Department, and finally released him with a traffic ticket for riding his bike on the sidewalk. Obviously they hadn't gotten their story straight with the Haddonfield Police, who had stopped him the week before for NOT riding on the sidewalk.

Officer Morell concedes that I "don't know nothin'" about New Jersey traffic law -- therefore I know at least something -- but I DO know harassment, un-Constitutional searches, profiling, undo psychological stress, illegal detainment and loss of wages when I see it. Thank you, New Jersey, for persecuting a hard-working marine trying to keep his home and life intact. Your troops and their families thank you. And the Constitution both you and they swore to uphold does as well.

-Shame on these officers who have been flagrantly abusing their authority to harass a man who served his country as a Marine. Welcome home to the land you defended with your lives, troops! Here's a minimum wage job and systematic, institutional persecution for your troubles.

We have all had that uncanny feeling that we are living our lives in a movie, usually it's Groundhog's Day --  or 8 1/2 if you fancy yourself an artist. But what if the truth is that you are stuck in a movie? Worse yet, what if that movie is by Stanley Kubrick?

Check out this list of common symptoms to determine whether you suffer from this disturbing, albeit aesthetically pleasing, affliction.

 1) The settings of your life consist of stark white walls, blinding white light sources, and one red couch.

 2) You repeatedly find yourself in stilted and monotone conversations on banal subjects.

 4) You repeatedly find yourself in horrifying conversations conducted in a stilted, monotone, and banal manner.

 5) You discover your humanity/individuality is slowly being crushed by malevolent forces beyond your control.

 6) Your commute to work perfectly synchronizes with The Blue Danube Waltz.

 7) You're possessed by the sneaking suspicion of being constantly followed by a man with a steadicam.

 8) To your surprise, you find that your Mother-in-Law, that scary German guy at work, and your well-intentioned British friend are all actually Peter Sellers.
 
 9) Some loud-mouth in a position of authority follows you around screaming colorfully about how worthless you are. 

10) Several years of your life are connected only by a single, yet potently meaningful jump-cut.

If you suffer from 4- 6 of these symptoms, chances are that you are indeed stuck in a Stanley Kubrick film. 

While there is no known cure for this affliction, side-effects may include: brainwashing, turning into an axe-murderer, turning into a space-baby, walking in perfect time to classical music, and nuclear holocaust.

Note: A sense that your computer is out to get you and/or attempting to kill your computer are perfectly normal reactions to modern life and may not be true indications of being trapped in a Kubrick film.