What I Write Just 'cause.
The Superbowl...of Evil
The Super Bowl Sucks...Waiting for it is even worse.But I love Football. No football last weekend, and it all comes to an end this Sunday. So, in search of that added bone-crushing fix, I've decided to create my own Super Bowl/World Cup…of Evil. In this scientifically controlled experiment, I've brought together the worst of the baddies from film, fiction, and real life and pitted them against one another to determine the "World Champion of Evil."
Are you ready for some Evil?
Are you ready for some Evil?
Here are our players
Jaws (strengths: mindless killing machine shaped like a Mac truck with giant serrated teeth; weaknesses: must be submerged in at least three feet of water, can be killed by large canisters of compressed air)
Genghis Khan (strengths: innovative use of archery from horseback; weaknesses: can be killed by 16 year-old bride as a result of intercourse)
Dr. Hannibal Lecter (strengths: highly intelligent, patient, and amoral cannibal, can convince people to swallow their own tongues; weaknesses: high risk for AIDS infection, is pursued by the FBI, misses his little sister)
Darth Vader (strengths: can kill you with his mind, The Force is very strong with him, has a giant space station that can blow-up an entire planet; weaknesses: whining, there is some good left in him)
Dracula (strengths: can change into a bat or wolf at will, climbs walls, has pointy teeth; weaknesses: he's a sucker *cough* for the ladies, doesn't drink...wine, like Keith Richards: shows age without constant supply of fresh blood)
Magneto (strengths: can manipulate the atomic structure of anything metallic with his mind; weaknesses: really lame outfit, sometimes wears abeard and pointy hat and saves Middle Earth from destruction)
The Play-offs of Evil
OK! So now that we have our players, let's see how they fared against one another. In the first of our wild-card match ups, Genghis Khan brought his best cavalry and archers to play in his bout with Magneto. However, the wily mutant utilized his best metallic defense, stopping The Khan’s iron arrows mid-air, swinging them round, and sent them plummeting into the heart of the Mongolian in a visually stunning and brutally satisfactory win.
The final game of the first round proved an equally stunning upset when Jaws lured the cagey Dracula into the ocean by biting the legs off a lovely young bather. When, in bat form, Dracula flew to the blood bath, Jaws leapt from the water and ate him whole.
Second Round Action
(Both Darth Vader and Hannibal Lecter were given a pass in the first round of wild-card games. Commissioners from the Gaming Board of Evil could not be reached for comment.)
Entering the game as the un-favored under-dog in his meeting with the slaughter-house Jaws offense, Dr. Lecter and the shark both disappeared. A month later, “Bon Apetite” published a review of a dinner hosted by the Doctor at an undisclosed South American location. The meal consisted of shark-fin soup, followed by grilled shark steaks, and a crème brulee with a distinctly sharky after-taste. The hostess of the dinner, referred to only as C.S., wore a striking off the shoulder gown that glittered, “like the scales of a fearsome beast.” And the table’s centerpiece was a giant shark’s head full of flowers.
Magneto returned from his overthrow of Genghis Khan for a highly anticipated duel to the death with Darth Vader. However, Magneto found his ability to manipulate metal foiled, when, as he attempted a sneak offensive move on Lord Vader, his thoughts betrayed him and Vader promptly killed him with his mind.
The Super Bowl of Evil
After his apparent overthrow of the mighty Jaws, Dr. Lecter emerged from hiding to face Darth Vader in, what promised to be, the evil-battle of all time. After extensive preparation, including the purchasing of special surgical implements from a galaxy far, far away, Dr. Lecter prepared an elaborate table setting appropriate to the dignity of his guest/foe. However, in an unexpected move, Vader directed his battle station at the Earth and blew it to bits, causing shock waves through out the force reported by numerous Jedis.
Reached for comment by this reporter, now living in exile on an outer-rim planet, Lord Vader simply commented that the title “World Champion of Evil” was beneath his stature, and that he was, indeed, the “Galactic Champion of Evil.” He also pointedly noted that he could kill me with his mind.
Editor’s note: This is all true, except for the bits I made up. Funding for The Super Bowl of Evil was provided by Halliburton.
Jaws (strengths: mindless killing machine shaped like a Mac truck with giant serrated teeth; weaknesses: must be submerged in at least three feet of water, can be killed by large canisters of compressed air)
Genghis Khan (strengths: innovative use of archery from horseback; weaknesses: can be killed by 16 year-old bride as a result of intercourse)
Dr. Hannibal Lecter (strengths: highly intelligent, patient, and amoral cannibal, can convince people to swallow their own tongues; weaknesses: high risk for AIDS infection, is pursued by the FBI, misses his little sister)
Darth Vader (strengths: can kill you with his mind, The Force is very strong with him, has a giant space station that can blow-up an entire planet; weaknesses: whining, there is some good left in him)
Dracula (strengths: can change into a bat or wolf at will, climbs walls, has pointy teeth; weaknesses: he's a sucker *cough* for the ladies, doesn't drink...wine, like Keith Richards: shows age without constant supply of fresh blood)
Magneto (strengths: can manipulate the atomic structure of anything metallic with his mind; weaknesses: really lame outfit, sometimes wears abeard and pointy hat and saves Middle Earth from destruction)
The Play-offs of Evil
OK! So now that we have our players, let's see how they fared against one another. In the first of our wild-card match ups, Genghis Khan brought his best cavalry and archers to play in his bout with Magneto. However, the wily mutant utilized his best metallic defense, stopping The Khan’s iron arrows mid-air, swinging them round, and sent them plummeting into the heart of the Mongolian in a visually stunning and brutally satisfactory win.
The final game of the first round proved an equally stunning upset when Jaws lured the cagey Dracula into the ocean by biting the legs off a lovely young bather. When, in bat form, Dracula flew to the blood bath, Jaws leapt from the water and ate him whole.
Second Round Action
(Both Darth Vader and Hannibal Lecter were given a pass in the first round of wild-card games. Commissioners from the Gaming Board of Evil could not be reached for comment.)
Entering the game as the un-favored under-dog in his meeting with the slaughter-house Jaws offense, Dr. Lecter and the shark both disappeared. A month later, “Bon Apetite” published a review of a dinner hosted by the Doctor at an undisclosed South American location. The meal consisted of shark-fin soup, followed by grilled shark steaks, and a crème brulee with a distinctly sharky after-taste. The hostess of the dinner, referred to only as C.S., wore a striking off the shoulder gown that glittered, “like the scales of a fearsome beast.” And the table’s centerpiece was a giant shark’s head full of flowers.
Magneto returned from his overthrow of Genghis Khan for a highly anticipated duel to the death with Darth Vader. However, Magneto found his ability to manipulate metal foiled, when, as he attempted a sneak offensive move on Lord Vader, his thoughts betrayed him and Vader promptly killed him with his mind.
The Super Bowl of Evil
After his apparent overthrow of the mighty Jaws, Dr. Lecter emerged from hiding to face Darth Vader in, what promised to be, the evil-battle of all time. After extensive preparation, including the purchasing of special surgical implements from a galaxy far, far away, Dr. Lecter prepared an elaborate table setting appropriate to the dignity of his guest/foe. However, in an unexpected move, Vader directed his battle station at the Earth and blew it to bits, causing shock waves through out the force reported by numerous Jedis.
Reached for comment by this reporter, now living in exile on an outer-rim planet, Lord Vader simply commented that the title “World Champion of Evil” was beneath his stature, and that he was, indeed, the “Galactic Champion of Evil.” He also pointedly noted that he could kill me with his mind.
Editor’s note: This is all true, except for the bits I made up. Funding for The Super Bowl of Evil was provided by Halliburton.